My New Years Resolution

unnamed-2by Erin Bagwell, 26Brooklyn, NY

A couple of months ago I needed to see the doctor. I won’t bore or disgust you with all the details but I thought I was really sick. The doctors gave my a grey answer about my health, they needed to do an invasive procedure to see what was happening. They said something along the lines of "It could be something minor internally or it could be a form of stomach cancer". Nothing shakes or awakens you more than hearing a doctor casually mention cancer.

And while I will jump ahead and tell you I am healthy and fine, during the waiting period all I could think of was the worst case scenario. I cried a lot and my mind raced and raced. I thought about my life, my friends, my boyfriend. What were we going to do if the worst was true?

I remember vividly walking home from work in Midtown Manhattan, fantasizing about getting another tattoo on my arm and what it would look like. I wanted it on the front of my arm in a really noticeable location but was worried about how my mother would react, how unfeminine it would look, and how my friends would feel about it.

I remember thinking... FUCK IT! if I don’t have cancer I am going to become the person I want to be. I want to look and feel and do what I want to do and what makes me happy. I am going to take more risks, and try to become a bad ass bitch, the girl I would be if I wasn’t afraid. And while I am still working on reading all the essential feminist books and figuring out what will make me happy, I can tell you that I did get that tattoo. And I totally love it. I truly hope all my beaverettes had a wonderful New Years Eve and have a fabulous, challenging, and exciting new year. I can't thank each and every one of you enough for sharing your stories and helping make Feminist Wednesday a part of your biweekly routine. This year is going to be the year of the beaver!

#VivaLaBeaver Xoxo,

Erin

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